Happy?
by OpheliacAngel
Summary: What's more important, happiness or well being? Castiel looks back on what he had with Dean through the words of Snow Patrol. Sad but also happy near the end. Kinda Destiel but it depends on how you look at it. Please review and hope you like!


Happy?

Song: You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

**You could be happy and I won't know**

Castiel was at the pier he had taken Dean to once while in a dream. Except the hunter wasn't here this time, he was alone, gazing out across the water. He watched the sun set, the sky turning a dark shade of orange before blackness corrupted the day. Another day without Dean. He knew where he was, but how could he go to him. He had a normal life now, with Lisa. He was happy, with Lisa. And Castiel didn't feel like he had the right to go to him. To drag him back into that life. The life that angels and demons made normal. The angel hoped it was worth it. He hoped Dean was truly happy. But the thing is, he would never truly know.

**But you weren't happy the day I watched you go**

It had been 5 months now, 5 months till he had spoken to Dean. He knew after all the mess of the past year that it was better if he just took off to heaven. Dean needed time alone. He sure as hell didn't need an angel to worry about. He wished the hunter had begged him to stay, but it was too late now. He had come back a month after he had left to find Dean drunk and silent and alone. And he shouldn't have coaxed him to talk, because everything ended up bursting out. All the pain, all the grief, all the mixed emotions he felt. Castiel thought he had been strong enough to handle it all, but that was when he realized how much emotional pain a human could truly take. He had said some things to Dean himself, some nasty things. Like how he was a broken man with a broken soul. And he realized now he couldn't take those things back. All he was able to do was watch him run to his Impala and go. He just drove away from everything they had ever shared. He knew he wasn't happy then.

**And all the things that I wished I had not said**

**Are played on lips till it's madness in my head**

Dean's words had suffocated him, were still suffocating him. And when he thought back on what he said to the young shattered hunter, he wanted to fall from grace again just to feel how much it hurt. Just to feel a part of the pain that Dean was feeling. Those words wouldn't leave him alone. They screamed and echoed throughout his head when he fought his brothers and sisters in heaven, and they would not abandon him when he came back down to earth to get a break. It was over. Who knew words said could make what they had had over.

**Is it too late to remind you how we were**

He thought for those months how he should try to get through to him. But he knew anything at all would be useless. Dean was gone, and he wasn't coming back. He felt something inside that screamed at him one minute to run to Dean, with every breath he had in him. But then the other minute it was telling him to stay where he was, forget about him. But he couldn't forget. Couldn't forget the man he had fallen from grace for, and the man who he had grown to love so quickly. But Dean didn't love him. Dean wanted a normal life and that meant a life away from Castiel. "How can I get through to you, Dean? And how can I get through to myself." He remembered the happier days. Well, at least the days that were remotely happy, they wouldn't have been if you could count all the demons and angels and whatever else had been on their tail wanting to kill them, never giving them a moment's peace. Castiel wished they had had more time. He wished he could count in his head more of those happier memories. But there just weren't enough there. But what they had had, he knew, was unique.

**But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur**

All the screaming of that night. All that heartache. It had been far worse than the war he was currently fighting. It had been a battlefield of emotional carnage. And Dean had been killed that night. And the angel shuddered to think that it was he who had killed him. But what Castiel really couldn't stand was the silence. The silence the days and nights gave him without his hunter there to speak through it. To defeat the silence.

**Most of what I remember makes me sure**

**I should have stopped you from walking out the door**

He remembered the way Dean had looked at him. Like his heart had been crushed into a million tiny pieces, all scattering across the earth. Castiel tried to push the thoughts away, the words away, the actions away. He regretted them. But they just played over and over and over again in his head, like someone just kept on pushing the replay button. He knew he deserved this. He had so many chances to say how he felt, to apologize. But like a coward he backed away. And this was all his fault. Dean was gone because of him. He should have stopped him. He should have said something. He should have held onto him and waited out this catastrophe.

**You could be happy, I hope you are**

The angel closed his eyes and remembered better days. He thought of Dean who once sat here on the dock, the way his hand brushed against his when the angel had handed him the piece of paper. The way Dean had been so happy. He wished he could appear to him in one of his dreams. But things were not that simple. Doing that could cause as much harm as it could good. No. Dean was better off without him. He was happier without him. Castiel opened his eyes and stared out at the water. He looked down and saw Dean's reflection, but he wasn't there. And he wasn't coming back. He hoped with every bit of grace inside him that his hunter was happy.

**You made me happier than I'd been by far**

That day Castiel had saved Dean from hell he had felt something stir deep within him. And when he looked upon him that night, no longer bruised, no more blood smothering his delicate features, he had felt his first human emotion. Although of course he wouldn't figure it out till later. It was love. Dean made him feel alive. He had made him feel human. And while any other angel may say that was a bad thing, a thing that often led to disastrous consequences, he could not say that. Because this new thing called love, it gave him happiness. And when he fell from grace to protect this human, he had hid his emotions from Dean. He had told him that he did it for nothing. But that wasn't true. There wasn't a part of him that thought that. He did it for him. Not for the sake of the world and hope that he would succeed. He didn't care. All he cared about was Dean. Because Dean made him happy. Why couldn't he have repaid the favor?

**Somehow everything I own smells of you**

**And for the tiniest moment it's all not true**

He remembered his human's scent. Beer and aftershave. It was refreshing and it was more familiar to Castiel than the scent of the heavens he belonged to. Dean was like home to him. He just realized that far too late. He wanted to make a home with him, he still did. Wait. "What if I'm just imagining all of this? What if Dean didn't go? What would happen if I came out of this dream? Would he be there waiting for me?" Castiel gave himself a moment to dream, so he could remember Dean. His hunter's voice. He could clearly hear it now. "I'm dreaming aren't I?" Castiel had said yes that day, but he would not say it now. He wanted this to be real. "You're not real" he told Dean. "I could be, Cas." Castiel smiled at his nickname, yet another beautiful thing his hunter had given him. No. He wasn't his hunter. He never was and he never would be. "No. You're better off without me." And with that Dean faded into the water. Leaving Cas with doubts inside his head. "This can't really be happening."

**Do the things that you always wanted to **

"Go live your life, Dean. And I hope it's a happy one. I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything you ever wanted. I want you to live without me."

**Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do**

"I'm sorry if I ever held you back, Dean. Don't ever let me hold you back. I can't come back to you. You're better off without me hanging around. Don't think of what might have been. We never would have made it. Just go live your life and please don't ever think of me again."

**More than anything I want to see you go**

"Please Dean, don't ever come back. All I ever caused you was pain and I want you to go. Just drive far and fast and don't ever look back, Dean. You got out. Don't waste it. And I sure won't waste it for you. Cause I'm not coming back, Dean. You're better off without me." The angel leaned down closer to the water, seeing Dean's reflection. He smiled and let himself drop. Water rushes against ears that hear the sweet sound of his voice. "Don't ever change." Eyes close and lips part to smile and all that can be heard is the sound of his laughing the sound of his screaming the sound of his tears the sound of him dying. Sinking down towards the pit open eyes see him again all bruised and bloody and battered. Drifting down closer to grab his shattering body and holding it never letting it go cause if you do he's gone and that's the end of the road. Darkness engulfs the red and breath stops until he breathes life back into his savior's lungs. Eyes flutter open and lie dead upon his perfect face. Floating here in infinite space.

Happy?

**Take a glorious bite out of the whole world**

The angel could feel hands grabbing him and pulling him out of the water. His head broke the surface and he coughed until his lungs felt like they would shatter. A hand held him up above the surface and he looked into those deep hazel eyes.

"Dean?" he spluttered, nearly choking on the water coming up out of his mouth.

"Don't talk. Just try and catch your breath."

Castiel looked around him and saw that they were both in the water, in the dream.

"What the hell were you thinking, Castiel?"

Dean shook him angrily, but not too hard because Cas was still recovering. He had barely got there in time. He was practically dead by the time he dove in and found him floating a few feet away. It was getting darker and he could barely see him. Dean looked into those blue eyes and saw that the angel was surprised he was here.

"I saw you down there."

"Of course I was down there! I was saving your ass!"

"No. You were dead. I killed you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. Never mind. It's not important."

Cas looked at his surroundings, then back at Dean when he shook him.

"Hey? You okay?"

Castiel nodded, not knowing what to say to his savior.

"Don't ever do that again! You hear me? I thought I lost you, Cas."

"You came back."

"Of course I did. I missed your nerdy angel ass too much."

Cas smiled and forgot about everything as he swam with Dean back to the dock. The hunter pulled him up on his feet and they stared at each other for a few beautiful moments.

"I'll never let you leave again."

"Yeah, Cas. I won't let myself, believe me."

The young hunter smiled and the angel smiled. Things were back to normal. They would figure everything out later, but for now they were simply happy to be in each others company. And that was enough. Dean had come back for Cas. And in return the angel would never let him go again.

Happy?

Cas finally knew Dean was happy. And he knew above all else, that he was happy too. With him.


End file.
